High Fidelity

A random shot, a random song

Me self 21st May 2007, originally uploaded by yongtze.

I'm listening to Million Faces by Paolo Nutini repeatedly. I'm a more of a music type of a person; lyrics is less important to me. But I guess they have to blend well to make a song special, magical.

Do I want to settle down? Am I trying to settle down? Shall I settle down? Have I already settled down? I wonder why I wonder. I wonder why I wonder why... Who understand what I am feeling now, do I understand what I am feeling now.. I don't, do you?

Million Faces

Oh the phone you know it never stops, it's the last thing I hear at night
And the first thing in the morning.
And as I let it start to burn my head, you slowly creep into bed
And i'm done with all the talking
You say you know how i'm feeling, I just need to try to settle down

Oh a million faces pass my way
Oh they're all the same, nothing seems to change anytime I look around
Oh who knows just what the future holds
All I want to know is if it's with you

Tired as hell and falling up the stairs, filled with a thousand cares as you walk out from the bedroom
Though it feels like all my fire has gone, girl you just turn me on
Can't believe how much I want you
You say you know how i'm feeling, I just need to try to settle down

Oh a million faces pass my way
Oh they're all the same, nothing seems to change anytime I look around
Oh who knows just what the future holds

All I want to know is if it's with you

We're distracted by the hard times, and the troubles that we make
Let us throw them in the ocean, let it wash our cares away
Oh the phone you know it never stops, it's the last thing I hear at night
And the first thing in the morning

Oh a million faces pass my way
Oh they're all the same, nothing seems to change anytime I look around
Oh who knows just what the future holds
All I want to know is if it's with you

We're distracted by the hard times, and the troubles that we make
Let us throw them in the ocean, let it wash our cares away
Oh the phone you know it never stops, it's the last thing I hear at night
And the first thing in the morning

Let it wash our cares away, let it wash our cares away...

Parents

My parents. I lived with my parents for 18 years before I continued my study in Australia. I don't particularly miss them but they are important to me like I'm important to them.

My parents are the old hardworking generation. The terms "holiday", "weekend", "sunday afternoon", don't apply to them. They work hard and save every penny they can, to do what's the best for their kids, to give them an education with the money they never spend for themselves.

As my dad always put it as a joke, with our tuition fee for uni and living expenses in Australia, he could have gotten himself a nice Mercedes - yet he has been driving his same old Proton Saga for over 10 years.

Their life is about raising their children, and providing everything they possibly can for them. We are their happiness and we are their worries.

All these I didn't truly realise until I left them and live by myself overseas, and when I started working. Looking back now I realised how much they love me, how selfless they are, how supportive they've been, and let me do what I wanted to do even though they didn't agree with me.

I know they will always be there for me, when I need them. Just this thought itself is always comforting. I doubt I can ever repay them, but I yearn to be what they've been for me, to do what they've done for me, or more.

In the still of the night

In the still of the night
As I gaze from my window
At the moon in its flight
My thoughts all stray to you

In the still of the night
All the world is in slumber
All the times without number
Darling when I say to you

Do you love me, as I love you
Are you my life to be, my dream come true
Or will this dream of mine fade out of sight
Like the moon growing dim, on the rim of the hill
In the chill, still, of the night

Like the moon growing dim, on the rim of the hill
In the chill, still, of the night

This is a song beautifully written by Cole Porter renowned for his lyrics, clever rhymes, and complex forms.

I woke up at 1:50am. it is amazing how little sleep people actually need to recharge themselves.

All of a sudden Kevin Kline's whispering voice of this song (from the movie De-lovely) arose in my mind. I don't like waking up in the middle of the night. Not that I detest its stillness and tranquility. It is just sometimes at the moment I wake up, for maybe about 5 seconds, I have no idea where i am, what time it is, no clue of everything.

just blank.

And I don't really like that feeling.

In the still of the night, nothing much can distract you, no noise, no people talking, no TV, no nothing, except your own wandering thoughts. It never stops. It brings back memories, it reminds you of the possibilities in life. And all the emotions and feelings seem to be amplified and start to overwhelm you... until you can't take it anymore and long to seek refuge back in slumber.

100個勇志

1. 我媽說我很小的時候晚上總不愛睡覺﹐硬要她起床和我玩。而且還得認真地玩﹐不能敷衍﹐不然我會又哭又鬧。

2. 小時很討厭蒜和香菇。

3. 常‘解剖’ 玩膩的玩具﹐長大卻也沒成為科學家。

4. 小時有一次在停車場被一隻很小的狗追﹐繞著爸爸的車跑。結果我跌倒﹐大哭﹐小狗也沒咬我﹐就跑走了。

5. 小時(一直到小學五年級) 全家和祖父母﹐還有年輕的叔叔住在一起。爸媽都要工作﹐小的弟弟總在保姆家﹐所以就常自己一個人玩。

6. 祖父常騎電單車載著我到處走﹐所以從小都大概會認得路。

7. 很小的時候就能認路上汽車的牌子和款式。

8. 忘了不知怎樣就開始學鋼琴﹐大概從六七歲就開始學了。開始還覺得有趣﹐但不久就討厭了。但一學就學了十年。現在想學爵士樂鋼琴。

9. 從小到大都很討厭自己的長相。

10. 從小就喜歡閱讀﹐大概是因為沒有玩伴吧。

11. 小時經常夢到自己的身體會浮起來﹐而且可以用精神力量來控制飄浮的速度。

12. 從小學起喜歡看報紙﹐但不喜歡做功課﹐常不交作業。但是成績還都不賴。我媽總愛叫我讀書﹐我總說成績不是很好了嗎 =)

13. 小學時可能是看太多書和報紙﹐時事常識問答比賽長獲冠軍。還代表學校出賽。

14. 最討厭被別人拿我和其他人比較。

15. 在家里脾氣不是很好﹐愛頂嘴﹐或是大聲喊叫﹐要不然就什麼都不理。常欺負媽媽但很怕老爸。

16. 上中學第一年超孤僻﹐不喜歡和人打交道。和班上的人都不熟。

17. 中二被調到第一班﹐又是每個人都不認識。開始時覺得有點怕﹐但後來也沒怎樣。中二還挺用功﹐應該是最乖最不胡鬧最不叛逆的一年吧。

18. 中三開始變得叛逆。那時喜歡聽伍佰的歌﹐上課開始會睡覺。開始暗戀女生。

19. 從中一起參加學校的管樂團。吹小號。有一段時期超努力練小號﹐幾乎每天下課都上團室練習。花了兩年練得和高中的年長團友一樣好。中三年初樂團辦了個演奏會﹐超興奮超高興。很有滿足感。

20. 中學時期還是代表學校參加時事常識問答比賽。其實也沒什麼感興趣﹐但可以不用上課還不錯。

21. 一直以來都很瘦﹐也沒什麼運動細胞﹐就喜歡看書和物理課。不想上高中讓人覺得自己是理科班的書呆子﹐就開始健身。有個姑丈開了間健身館﹐所以可以免費健身而且還有人教。

22. 一連三個月﹐一星期六天﹐每天兩個小時的努力﹐總算變得壯一點。不會再被叫做瘦子了。打籃球的時候要撞人也比較容易。

23. 上了高中變得超叛逆。高一﹐喜歡的女生成為別人的女友。心情很壞。常和朋友出門。不喜歡回家。第一次物理不及格。老師應該跌破眼鏡。

24. 高二不知怎樣了交了個女友。但還是很叛逆。有時上課和老師頂嘴。被叫到訓導處訓了一頓。

25. 中文課寫了篇挖苦老師的文章。結果又被老師當著全班訓了一頓。但是也有同學覺得文筆還不錯﹐自己覺得還蠻不錯。

26. 突然喜歡打乒乓(之前完全不會打)。纏著班上的‘乒乓高手’ (剛好是我的好友)練習。常下課後留在學校打球﹐晚上還去乒乓總會打。

27. 和樂團的朋友騎腳車騎了來回二十公里的路去海邊。

28. 高一突然超想學游泳。去學了蛙式和自由式。一段時間幾乎每天都去游泳。有時後一次就游了一兩公里(現在回想高中的自己的運動量還真大﹐難怪現在會變胖) 。

29. 有一陣子和國棟晚上常去打snooker.

30. 打籃球回想到國棟﹐打乒乓想到國棟和世煌﹐打羽球也會想到國棟﹐騎腳車想到行軒﹐游泳不會想到別人。就自己游個不停。

31. 高中開始看村上春樹的小說﹐看得整個人迷迷糊糊的。

32. 中學時最喜歡的小說: 三國演義，Alexandra Dumas’s The Count of Monte Cristo (中文翻譯: 基督山伯爵) 。應該看了三次以上吧。

33. 還有小學和初中超愛看倪匡的衛斯理科幻小說。

34. 高三被女友甩。不過之後也沒怎樣。還是朋友。

35. 高三竟然當上物理學會的主席。現在回想也不知到這個主席做了些什麼事。

36. 高中時很不合群。不喜歡團體活動。

37. 高三每晚都上網上得很遲﹐白天就在班上睡覺。功課也不常交。常抄功課。但抄的時候會發掘人家的錯誤﹐不會連錯的抄(物理和化學) 。

38. 不知道為什麼喜歡和第一個女友(詩琳) 抬扛。

39. 統考(類似大學聯考) 前幾個星期猛啃書。不喜歡讀textbook, 一定會自己做自己的‘精華筆記’。

40. 統考考得不錯﹐每一科都得A1 (我沒報考馬來文) 。化學還入所謂的‘全國十大’ (本身對化學沒什麼興趣) 。

41. 高中畢業有班上的畢業旅遊。差不多走遍全馬。

42. 本來是要去美國讀航空工程的﹐但在親戚的說服下來到Melbourne’s RMIT University.

43. 剛來澳洲英語超爛。極度孤僻。

44. 第一年住在Essendon ﹐和兩個澳洲人share一間屋子。第一次﹐也是最後一次和澳洲人住。其實都還蠻友善的﹐也因為經常聊天英語漸漸進步。

45. 大學四年什麼社團也沒參加。

46. 大二和大三和表姐和她男友在Glenferrie住。為了省錢每天自己煮飯。開始對烹飪有興趣 (自己本身很喜歡吃) 。

47. 一段時期每天騎來回差不多兩個小時的腳車去上課。每天回到家都超累。有時在班上也會睡著。

48. 大學很少翹課﹐因為學費很貴。

49. 在7-Eleven打了半年工﹐而且還是夜班。變得日夜不分。但英語變得超好(比現在還要好) 。

50. 大三第二個學期﹐一口氣拿了十個科目﹐而且還要打工﹐超累。就上課﹐assignment, 打工﹐吃飯﹐睡覺﹐這樣過了幾個月。結果還每科都拿High Distinction。覺得還相當自豪。

51. 大學的朋友很少﹐而且交情都很淺。就不是很喜歡班上的人。

52. 大四時搬到Bundoora ﹐一個可以看到袋鼠的地方。覺得自己好像與世隔絕。

53. 每年回馬﹐都會晒得很黑才回來澳洲。不喜歡自己的皮膚白白的。

54. 大四第二個學期開始在Don Don打工(怎知一打就打了這麼久) 。

55. 大學畢業後申請成為澳洲的永久居民。太多文件要準備﹐煩死了。

56. 有一陣子常和Kevin去打snooker還有健身。大家有女友之後很少見面。

57. 之前吃超多﹐結果一度體重達到87公斤。

58. 大學畢業前常和班上的朋友去喝酒﹐之前完全不喝酒。結果酒量變得還不錯。

59. 畢業後一段時間常一個人晚上在家喝紅酒。一次就喝一瓶。想要體會體會醉的感覺。

60. 因為不是澳洲公民所以不能找到 Aerospace Engineer的工作 (因為都和國防空軍有關) 。一時興起申請讀研究所博士學位。

61. 教授很熱心﹐還幫我申請獎學金。結果申請到Australian Postgraduate Awards (APA) ﹐是澳洲政府提供的。免學費加上一年差不多兩萬澳幣的生活費。

62. 心想就認真地花三年的時間做做研究吧。但始終定不下來﹐每天對著電腦和journal 也不知道自己在做什麼。突然間一點興趣都沒有。我就是那麼沒恆心和熱忱。

63. 所以研究就沒做下去了。開始在Don Don 工作。

64. 總覺得不知道自己要的到底是什麼。花了很多時間想總是沒有結論。自己的興趣很廣﹐但也沒超熱愛什麼。

65. 不知怎樣對西藏佛教突然很感興趣。看了很多有關的書籍。覺得它說的和自己心中感受的很接近。是不是人老了會對宗教感到有興趣?

66. 自從去年就很迷音響。花了很多錢和時間在音響。沒事都會想呆在家裡聽一整天。

67. 覺得自己有時很隨便很隨性﹐有時後卻很固執很小心眼。

68. 喜歡煮飯﹐但不喜歡煮給自己一個人吃。不喜歡洗碗。

69. 喜歡海邊﹐特別是心情不好的時候。瀑布也很喜歡。

70. 有懼高症﹐不喜歡在太高的地方。

71. 喜歡穿灰色的T-shirt.

72. 和家人不是很熟﹐但有時會很想念家人。

73. 想學多國語言但是沒有恆心和毅力。懶惰。想學: 日語﹐韓語﹐德語﹐意大利語﹐法語﹐西班牙語﹐和中國的各種地方方言。

74. 喜歡的食物: 中餐﹐日餐﹐韓餐﹐意大利餐﹐德國香腸﹐希臘的souvlaki. 最討厭自助餐。

75. 想去1949 年以前的西藏。

76. 喜歡逛傢具店。喜歡皮革沙發﹐特別是深棕的﹐紅色也不錯。

77. 喜歡看對話很多的劇情電影。不喜歡卡通片。還有就是 Edward Norton 的電影。

78. 喜歡vintage electronics, 轉盤唱機和真空電子管放大器(膽機) 。

79. 經常覺得自己老了﹐白頭髮也越來越多。

80. 希望每年都可以去一個新的地方﹐我去過的地方很少。

81. 不會存錢﹐我媽總是叫我要存多點錢。明明自己很少買東西﹐但始終存不了多少錢。

82. 很會睡覺﹐可以睡上一整天。但睡醒會覺得很灰。

83. 去年上雪山沒有滑雪﹐今年想去滑雪﹐想跌倒﹐爬起來﹐再跌倒。

84. 不喜歡看電視﹐但喜歡下載電視劇。不喜歡廣告。

85. 從小到大都不喜歡梳頭髮。

86. 可以每天吃一樣的都不會膩。吃有兩個不同的原因: 吃因為餓﹐吃因為想吃。

87. 前一陣子很喜歡買書﹐但始終都沒有看完。最近要省錢﹐改成借書。也是一次過借很多都看不完。

88. 喜歡我喜歡的人開心。但是不知道怎樣讓自己開心。有時候覺得自己一直都是自己生活里的旁觀者。

89. 適應能力強﹐但不想改變自己去適應別人或環境。

90. 想知道老爸年輕的時候做過什麼事﹐去過哪﹐過著怎樣的生活。

91. 懶得買衣服﹐但一買會花很多錢。

92. 不會很怕冷﹐但不喜歡冬天﹐不喜歡每天四五點天就黑了。喜歡夏末初秋。

93. 很會浪費時間。

94. 不會保護自己的東西﹐不懂得珍惜。

95.  想在35歲時退休。

96. 心情不好的時候會打掃房間。

97. 喜歡更換傢具的位置。

98. 喜歡躺在沙發看書。但是現在家裡沒有沙發。

99. 有時覺得自己很冷血﹐很難被感動。

100. 很容易對事情感到麻木。但又會念念不忘。

Intuition and intellect

My life has been pretty much governed by intellect most of the time. I studied, graduated from uni, worked hard, tried to do everything right，tried to live a normal life, always wanted to know everything and find out how everything works. But I wasn't as happy as I thought I would be. Why? I might never find an answer to this question.

This is from Osho: The unknowable is the beauty, the meaning, the aspiration, the goal. Because of the unknowable, life means something. When everything is known, then everything is flat. You will be fed up, bored.

I find it true. I like physics in high school and in uni. I like science. science is about reasons, how things work, predictability, how to predict the results based on a known theory. Trained as an engineer, I used to want everything in order, in an understanding way, nicely planned. It's made my life predictable, easy to manage, safe. However, its the predictability that bores me. Because my life, life itself, is not science.

I always say that I don't know what I like and really want to do because I always thought with my head, but not with my heart. In other words, I didn't follow my intuition. I didn't know I need it  because it does not make sense. But now I realised its important. It's important because it does not make sense. Now, without worrying too much of facts, reasons, whys, everyday problems, by following my intuition, even just knocking its door, it's quite liberating.

I still think a lot, but I'm no longer looking for an answer for everything. I want to live a different life. I want to feel more, love more, live more because life is not a problem to be solved. I don't have to solve it. I just have to embrace it. I'm not there yet. I might never reach there. but I'm making progress. I feel better, my mind is more free now. Or so I feel.

Marriage and single

This is from chris rock's 'never scared':

"Choices you've got in life: be married and bored, or single and lonely. ain't not hapiness no where."

This is true for most people because people want too much. People are constantly expecting something more and new.

i say stop looking around. Look into yourself. Look into your own mind. Our minds are filled with layers of delusions and obscurations. I believe that there is still this unadulterated wisdom to be found within the stream of our own ordinary consciousness.

You can't always get what you want [2]

You can't always get what you want.

Sometimes you can get what you wanted, and *still* not be very happy or satisfied.

[ And then you start looking for something else that you think it might make you happier. It is like a recursive loop you will keep searching for it and keep trying to get it and keep being been disappointed.

Chances are: you find it and get it/give up looking for it/find it but can't get it/accept and live with what you already have and write a blog or make your own new quote about it. ]

Schizophrenia?

- Inability to experience pleasure?   
- Lack of emotions?
- Loss of motivation or desire to success?

These are the symptons of schizophrenia and I seem to have all of them. Fortunately I still have the brainpower to sit down and analyse my own mental health/condition. My attempted self diagnosis is, howerver, inconclusive. I guess I'm just depressed.

- What are your long range and short range goals and objectives?
- How do you plan to achieve your career goals?
- What do you see yourself doing five years from now? Ten years from now?

I wonder how many people have honest answers to these interview questions above. I don't.

I don't know what I want in life. I don't know what I like doing. I don't know what I want to achieve. I don't even know what I should do tomorrow.

HOW TO BE GOOD, POSITVE? Life's good? How can I know if it's not overrated?